why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
