maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i dont even know how to be here
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
