He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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