I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
