Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
