I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
