She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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