I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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