Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
