New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
