In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
