Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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