Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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