but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
