Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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