paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
