go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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