bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
