I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
