just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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