I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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