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You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
