What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
