I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
