I wish I could teleport
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
