so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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