I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
