how can u be prego again
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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