i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
