oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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