im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize