i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
