I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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