Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
