I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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