I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
