I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
