and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Randomize
