Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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