I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
