how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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