I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
