i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
