You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
