bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
