I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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