I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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