i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
