Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
