i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
