My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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