I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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