I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
