You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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