Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
