Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
