My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Drake has all the answers
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
