Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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