well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
