Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
