Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
